Psychotherapist: Virginia Satir – The True Self vs. Survival Self
There’s a moment that still feels fresh in my memory.
I was leading an art-based workshop. We were doing a simple torn paper collage — nothing fancy, just layers and shapes representing who we were. I watched others cut freely, laugh, tear instinctively.
And then I looked at mine.
Each piece of paper I picked up had a label:
“Mother.”
“Wife.”
“Daughter.”
“Coach.”
“Friend.”
“Leader.”
It was so crowded… but so empty.
I sat there staring at my collage and thought — where am I in all of this?
Virginia Satir once said that many of us develop what she called a survival self — the roles we take on to stay safe, accepted, and loved. But beneath all of that is our true self, quietly waiting.
That collage broke something open for me.
Because it was beautiful — but it wasn’t me.
It was the version of me who always showed up, always adapted, always carried the weight.
But my true self? She was nowhere to be found.
I had built an identity out of expectations. I had shaped my days to fit into other people’s needs. And in the process, I had slowly faded from my own life.
This is what identity loss in motherhood and midlife can look like: quiet, invisible, yet profoundly painful.
Unraveling this didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t a dramatic rebellion. It was gentler than that — a series of small yeses to myself.
Yes to rest.
Yes to saying no.
Yes to unlearning perfection.
Yes to reclaiming space that was mine.
Through coaching, I began to find the woman underneath the roles. Not instead of mother or partner or leader — but alongside them.
With more breath.
More softness.
More me.
If you’ve been feeling like you’re disappearing beneath all the hats you wear —
I want to remind you: You’re not a role.
You’re a soul.
And it would be an honor to help you remember who you are underneath it all.
You don’t have to burn it all down.
But you do get to come home to yourself.